Journal Entry #9 08-06-2023
Dear (),
Day 1 two years ago, I laid eyes on a dangerous specimen of a person that was appealing to not only my eyes, but something deeper. I ignored it. Left it to dwindle. Who knew that years later, the notion would be reciprocated. Still, ignoring, believing that there could never be a chance in hell that you would entertain little ole’ me. But in your words, the hell would I think that for lol.
I never noticed you noticing me, I don’t know when it began for you, but I can damn sure go back to when it began for me. I can remember the day clearly. I can tell you what you wore from top to bottom. I can describe the aroma of your presence that day. Thats when I knew… knew there was absolutely something there. Still, I said nothing, continued about my way.
Then, you spoke up. Shocking to me that you did, however I’m grateful for your confidence, your words, and your tenacity. I applaud you for your attentiveness. Again, I had no idea you were watching, noticing my words, my posts, my song choices. Thankful that you realized what was being said even though I was silent.
You’re a different choice for me. You possess something the others lacked. You bring a comfortability to the room that I can’t help but to embrace. The connection seems effortless, genuine, raw, rare, instantaneous. The way I can feel your presence when we are apart is mind bottling. I can feel your hurt, I can sense your disappointment, I can feel your low points, I can feel your excitement, I can feel your, I’m sure this is what the old folks meant by soul-ties.
The mere fact that you were able to calm me, the way you were able to sense my uneasiness surrounding a certain day and even in the midst of your own calamity, you created space to comfort me. UNMATCHED!!
I’m not sure if you feel the same, not sure if you are even trying to lol. All I do know is, I’m leaving space. If it grows, I’m definitely with it. If it lingers here for a while… I’m with it. You’ve already presented more than I thought would be…. because again, why would it be little ole me.
-KJ-
Journal Enry #8 08-04-2023
Dear (),
You were so irresponsible with me! I never would have imagined that what I saw for us would ever come to this. So much has happened this past year, all things that you should have comforted me thorough, but silent. Your silence granted me clarity and i will never forget that you opted to be silent during the loudest moments of my life! You played with my heart and my emotions instead of handling me with care. When it came down to you, I was so fragile. I don’t think you ever noticed nor cared just how vulnerable and delicate I was with you.
Why break me down when I was already shattered? I’ll never forgive you for taking something that could have been so pure and making it something I despise. You knew what was on the line, because you felt it! And the minute you felt it, you ran! Lose my number, please don’t reach out to me anymore. Every time you do, you cause new hurt. You were someone i adored, someone i loved whole heartedly when I thought I would never go that route again. You were someone I would have moved mountains for if God granted me the power to, but you mishandled me.
Even though you hurt me, I’m grateful. Grateful, because had you not mishandled me, I would have always held space for you. I would have always remained closed off to others just because I was creating a space for you that would never been occupied. Since there’s space, I’ve allowed room for something more. Something you weren’t willing to give. No longer will I tolerate your absence!
-KJ-
Journal Entry #7 11-17-2021
Dear (),
Such a surprise to hear from you in the manner of which I did. I appreciate you thinking of me and creating space for me in your life. After so many years being passed, who knew a simple look from you would turn my world upside down. I’m forever grateful for your years of patience, respect, and friendship. Regardless of who was in my life, you’ve remained true to me, and it has never gone unnoticed.
Who knew a decade plus four years later, we’d be here? Who knew the connection we shared all those years ago would mature into something purely divine without any hesitation. I still remember when we met, the instant feeling of comradeship was evident. Although, I was extremely naïve to your intentions at that time, you never crossed any boundaries that were in place, and I’ll forever appreciate you for that.
I’ve always wondered if you remembered our encounter and your words to me. Even when in that relationship I wondered if I ever crossed your mind at times, and now it’s evident that I did. I’m not sure what energies were exuded during that initial meeting that gravitated you my way but I’m tremendously grateful that you did.
Normally, time diminishes certain feelings and emotions after so long. Especially when there were no nurturing activities to breathe life into a relationship or friendship. In our case, time has heightened every emotion, every sentiment, every lingering touch, every yearning moment that has led us to this day. All the miles in the world and the 15 that mattered most birthed a chemistry undeniably present between you and me. Those miles fed a craving inside the both of us that the time lapse between us mattered no more.
I’m just as eager to see where those 15 miles will lead us next. This roadway to our destiny seems to be paved smoothly, I’m up for the ride as long as your down to drive.
-KJ-
Journal Entry #6 09-12-2018
Dear (),
I wish this didn’t consume you as much as it does. I wish you could really see just how much I care for you and love you. I wish you could understand just how much I respect and treasure you. I wish things wouldn’t burden you as much as they do. I wish there was a way you could really see exactly how much I adore you. I wish there was a way to show you just how many moves I make just for you.
You make me feel things I haven’t witnessed before. I’ve never known the feeling of being longed after until I was blessed with you. I’ve never felt adored until I found you. I’ve never felt like somebody genuinely wanted me for me until you came along. I’ve never felt such a since of loyalty in my life. I’ve never felt like someone belonged (not in a controlling way) to only me. Never had the opportunity to say, oh that’s All mine, she’s not going anywhere!!!
I’ve never witnessed someone that goes so hard for me the way you do. I’ve never experienced such a genuine love and I appreciate it to the fullest. Every night I ask God why me? What did I do to deserve such a profound love? Do I even deserve you? Can I measure up to what it is you seek? How could you love someone so damaged as me?
That Random Thank you……Was for you loving me like you do. For being someone who knows what they want and goes after it without any hesitation. For showing me what it’s like to actually be wanted. For being a person that doesn’t bail at the drop of a dime. For always being you!!!
Again, THANK YOU!
KJ
Journal Entry #5 02-10-18
Dear (),
If I could deliver one thousand poems to you a day I would. But time wouldn’t permit me to deliver such an intense act of romance. If I could write you several letters a day, you’ d know exactly just how special you are to me. But then you’d think I was a crazy, stalker, infatuated person who falls to quickly.
But the truth of the matter is, I adore you. I treasure the person you are, inside and out. You’re a rare gem that’s been polished and left on a shelf too long. It’s time someone actually honored your presence. Time someone valued your strength, yearned your intellect, and worshipped your beauty.
I’m honored to be someone you’ve chosen to do those things. I’m forever grateful you saw me as a worthy suitor to be blessed to witness all you have to offer. I’m excited and hesitant, mostly afraid, to embark on this journey, BUT you’ve already shown me just how confident you are in me! And for that, I’ll graciously accept the chance your giving me.
KJ
Journal Entry #4 04-08-17
Dear (),
I wish you knew just how badly your words hurt. The amount of love I have for you, doesn’t erase the hurt and pain you bring to my heart when you use your words as knives. I understand that everyone has their own opinions of homosexuality, and that you’re entitled to feel as you wish.
However, there’s a certain level of respect that should be presented regardless of how you feel. I find it so damn frustrating how you can sit there and speak such harshness about someone you’re supposed to love unconditionally. You have no idea the power of your words. You have no idea how many times I’ve contemplated suicide because of the opinions and degradation of the likes of you!
It’s crazy to me how you had absolutely no problem accepting food from me when you didn’t have it. You had no problem accepting funds from me when you didn’t have it. You had no problem accepting household items from me, when you didn’t have it. HOWEVER YOU HATE ME SO MUCH. Why continue to accept things from such a low life person as my self? Why continue to reach your hand out to accept anything from such a vile ass person like me?
Yet, you wonder why I stay away from you? You wonder why I don’t ask you for things? ( Even though I already know that you will tell me no anyway the cut goes) You wonder what is it that I despise of you that makes me walk on by when I see you?
Tell me this. Why should I speak to someone who degrades every person that participates in the love that you don’t understand? Why should I speak to someone who holds private (no so private) conversations about not just me, but others as well? Why should I want to remain around such a person that constantly speaks negativity when I’m already facing the lowest of odds?
This is why I stay away. If you can sit there and hold a 3 hour conversation calling people whom I don’t even care about to discuss me. I would hate to see what you say about me when I’m really not around. If you can sit there and use every degrading word there is to offend a member of the LGBTQ community, why would I honestly think you have some kind of love for me?
There’s never been a moment in my life when I’ve hated you so much than I do right now! I’m elated that now I’m to a point where your words don’t have the same weight as they did before. I’m so done with your kind. You could have been the reason I died years ago. You could have been the reason why I would sit here and end my life now. But I’m so much stronger than that. And I’m hella-grateful for the strength I have now and the person I have become that no longer gives a damn about you nor your ignorance.
You disgust me!
-KaeJaye-
Journal Entry #3 03-02-2017
Dear (),
I love everything you are to me. I love you as my solitude. Always being the one to create such a solid atmosphere of support and solidarity.
I love you as my rock; The most substantial part of my life in an array of ways unknown to the world. The one who has often been the boulder I’ve hidden behind but you’ve been my protector from many storms.
I love you as my friend. You have been able to get me to open up in ways I would have never imagined. You have been there through thick and thin. There have been times over and over again where I didn’t deserve your friendship. But being the truest of true, you continued to wipe my tears, pushed me to face my fears, and held my hand through ALL life’s disappointments.
I love you as my chosen one. You are the one I’ve chosen time and time again. You’re the one I’ll probably always choose because you’ve constantly chosen me. Mainly it’s because of who you are to me.
I love you as my helpmeet. Together we’ve conquered wars un-foretold, and battled the worst times unforeseen. Together we’ve built a mountain of love and joy that can’t be unseen. We’ve created such chemistry that won’t wither. You’ve held me up and I you, that’s exactly what true helpmates do.
I love you for you! Everything about you resonates so deeply within me its hard to describe. There’s never a day that passes by I don’t thank the creator for perfectly blending you with your flaws and perfections that make you imperfectly perfect for me.
I love you unconditionally for the love you’ve shown to me. Even in the worst of times, your love still holds me.
I love you as my wife. The person I’ll forever cherish and share an abundant life. I’ll love you forever and never think twice. ❤
Thank you for all you are to me!
ΚJ
Journal entry #2. 12-14-16
How do we learn to love, live, let go, and live again? How can we put together an adequate sequence of love facets that make sense?
How do we know when love has taken every ounce of hope you have left? How do we know when there’s yet more to give?
I’ve come to the conclusion that as long as we have these questions, there’s hope. As long as we wonder about love, there’s room for more. As long as there’s that someone who makes you wonder and gives you the desire to love more, there’s an adequate love sequence to be connected correctly.
ΚJ
Journal entry #1. 12-06-16
Sometimes life can be such a drag. I mean emotionally, life has got me wrapped around her finger. Slowly unraveling me only to twist me tighter.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m suffocating here in the sweaty coils of life’s thick finger. What did I do you, pretty lady?
Is it that I sometimes forget just how kind you’ve been to me? Or is it that I may frequently forget how you’ve used those obese fingers of yours to pluck some folks and things away? Is it because I along with society take you for granted all too many times?
Is it because all of us here have become selfishly ungrateful? To simply be able to have you is rare. There are so many who are merely hashtags in the winds of yesterday and yet we forget to humble ourselves with gratitude.
This morning I’m pausing my usual selfish rant. To say Thank you. Thank you for being you. I’m honored to still call you friend.
ΚJ
KaeJaye The Writer 