Journal Entry #14 07/22/25
Dear (),
You made a conscious choice to leave a void.
Not just any void—but one you knew only you could fill.
Instead of standing tall and being a man,
you chose to shrink—
tucking yourself into the comfort of absence
like a boy who never wanted to grow up.
And for the longest time,
I told myself I couldn’t miss what I never had.
But that was a lie I whispered to numb the sting.
Because the kind of love that only you could give?
Yeah—I yearned for that.
Sometimes I still do.
But now I know…
my presence in your life was never something you were willing to work for.
In the most critical moments of my life—you were absent.
In the most vulnerable moments—you were avoidant.
And when I finally tried to speak truth?
Here came danger,
because your anger always beat my honesty to the door.
I know that rage.
I grew up breathing it in like smoke.
I had to fight like hell just to detox, just to heal.
But you never fought.
Not for me.
Not for us.
Not even for a second chance.
You should’ve gone to war for your child,
but you walked away like peace came easy.
And now… you wonder why it’s like this?
Why there’s distance?
Why the bond is broken?
Because in the moment when I needed your presence most,
you revealed your true intentions—
and it damn near shattered me.
So help me understand:
Where did you find the audacity
to believe you were owed my respect?
Where in your mind does love from me make sense
when you never gave it first?
Whatever happened to reciprocity?
I’m doing the work.
I’m sifting through the wreckage you left behind.
But don’t mistake my healing as an invitation.
This relationship?
It’ll never be whole.
There’s too much scar tissue,
too many wounds you still refuse to see.
So believe me when I say—
I will always protect my peace.
And I won’t hand you another piece of me to break.
~Kae Jaye
Journal Entry #13 07-09-25
Dear Me,
I see you.
Not the polished version. Not the smiling-through-it one.
I see the you who had to rebuild after being broken by things no one ever apologized for.
You’ve carried grief that should’ve drowned you.
You’ve held secrets that scorched your tongue.
You’ve watched people walk away while your heart begged them to stay—and still, somehow, you survived.
You kept showing up for others even when no one showed up for you.
But this new chapter?
This version of you that’s learning how to say “no,” how to protect her softness, how to stop bleeding for people who love you conveniently—
She’s everything you prayed to become.
You are no longer required to be a martyr for people who only saw your strength when it benefited them.
You are no longer obligated to keep loving from your wounds just to keep peace.
The girl who used to shrink, to tolerate, to hold back—
She got you this far, but she doesn’t get to drive anymore.
Let her rest.
Let her be honored.
But don’t you dare resurrect her just because the world is uncomfortable with your power.
You are becoming the version of yourself who doesn’t perform softness, but lives in it fully.
Who doesn’t silence her hurt, but gives it somewhere sacred to land.
You are the rebirth and the burn.
So go ahead. Shed the old skin.
Bleed if you must.
But don’t forget—
This time, you’re bleeding on purpose.
This time, it’s sacred.
This time, it’s yours.
With deep love and holy fire,
—Me
Journal Entry #12 07/02/2025
Dear (),
How do I begin to explain my feelings about this situation without reliving the experience, the grief, and the trauma attached to it?
But at this stage in my life—accountability is a must. Releasing is necessary. Silence is no longer an option.
My mother’s passing taught me that time waits for no one. Life is a one-way ticket. It also taught me the value of vulnerability, the power of accepting help, and the strength it takes to speak up when something hurts.
So here I am.
Releasing what I’ve been holding in because it’s starting to rot in my chest. And truth be told—holding it in any longer feels dangerous.
If I were to see you today, I swear it would still be on sight.
Because in the moment when I was shattered, broken down to the core of my soul, you chose violence.
You chose ego. You chose coldness.
Until you’ve buried a parent, you’ll never understand what that kind of loss does to a person. You’ll never comprehend the weight I was carrying the day you opened your mouth and said what you said. Those weren’t just careless words—they were fighting words. And they made one thing clear: you were never really a friend.
I don’t care what story you’ve told yourself or anyone else. In that moment of my life, I was at my absolute lowest.
If you felt like I was spiraling? You should’ve pulled up. Called. Asked. Checked on me.
Instead, you threw your hands up and added weight to what was already crushing me.
I was trying to survive in a life I no longer recognized—piecing together a version of myself that didn’t even want to keep going.
The world around me kept spinning, and I was frozen in grief. A real friend would’ve seen I was drowning and thrown a lifeline—not pushed me deeper, knowing I couldn’t swim.
There’s no apology that could undo the damage. No reset button. No amount of “I didn’t mean it like that.”
But I’m still choosing to let this go—not for you, but for me.
Because I need to heal. Fully. Truthfully.
I now realize that back then, I should’ve allowed myself to feel everything I was feeling instead of bottling it up to keep the peace.
But I was already hurting, and I didn’t want to add another wound to the pile.
That silence cost me. But not anymore.
One day, maybe you’ll walk your own road of loss.
And maybe then, you’ll understand.
Just know this—you weren’t the only one who added to my trauma.
You were just first in line.
You pretended to care. Pretended to show up.
And when I needed someone the most, you revealed yourself.
For that, I can’t—and won’t—ever let you close again.
I forgive you. But I won’t ever forget.
~Kae Jaye
Journal Entry #11 06/25/2025
Dear (),
You really had me fooled.
Pretending to be something solid. Safe. Seen. You wore concern like cologne and mimicked care like a script. And I bought it—because at that moment in my life, I was tired. Torn. Still deciding whether to open my heart again or padlock the damn thing shut.
Then you showed up…
With fake depth and recycled charm.
A walking red flag in a fitted disguise.
You studied my scars, not to understand me—but to use me. You clocked my pain and performed just enough healing energy to seem different. And I wanted so badly to believe you were.
So I ignored the red flags.
The yellow ones.
The orange ones that looked like caution tape around a crime scene I kept walking into.
And you?
You kept playing the role.
You played victim, prophet, protector—hell, some days you thought you were God’s gift to my brokenness.
But let’s be clear: You were chaos wrapped in good intentions and poor execution.
You crossed lines.
Blatant ones. Boundaries I didn’t even know I needed to reinforce. Then had the nerve to spin the block like your name wasn’t blocked in spirit first.
And the wild part?
You never apologized.
Never acknowledged the mental and emotional damage you dropped off like Amazon Prime trauma.
I was trying to be your peace—and you treated me like a war zone.
You created messes and begged for understanding.
Threw tantrums in the name of “truth.”
Said wild things I never would’ve said to you, no matter how hurt I was.
Then came the silence.
The kind that only people who know they’re wrong choose to sit in.
But you wore it like armor—defensive, cold, smug.
So yeah—when you tried to crawl back in, I unleashed. I said what nobody else had the courage to tell you. Because baby, somebody needed to.
And before your imagination gets carried away:
This ain’t your cue to reply.
Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t stalk my socials.
This letter wasn’t written for reconciliation—it was written for release.
I’ve been done.
This is just the seal.
The signature on the silence.
Now go heal where you can’t hurt nobody else.
~Kae Jaye~
Journal Entry #10 05/28/2025
Dear (),
There’s a part of me that knows I should’ve let you go a long time ago.And yet… here I am. Still holding on. Still waiting for a version of you that shows up and stays.
It’s the worst kind of tug-of-war.One hand clutching the thread of what was,the other reaching for the peace I know I deserve.
I’ve tried to walk away—more times than I can count.But something in me keeps replaying the softness of you.The laughs.The moments you saw me before I even spoke.The way you’d check in…even if just to say nothing at all.
But now you’re mostly absent.And when you do appear,it’s just long enough to stir something in me I’ve worked hard to silence.You come back just enough to keep the door cracked.Then vanish again—like I was never the safe place you once needed.
The truth is…I hate this version of us.The one where I have to pretend I’m not hoping.The one where I’m always wondering if I made this up in my head.The one where I keep making excuses for why you never stayed.And I know—I know I deserve more.But knowing doesn’t make the ache disappear.It doesn’t stop the craving.It doesn’t silence the part of me still waiting on a message that says you’ve finally figured it out.That says I matter to you too.
I don’t want to keep writing you into chapters you’ve already closed.But damn… letting go of you feels like letting go of a future I swore we’d grow into.
So here I am.Still trying to untangle the love from the longing.Still fighting to release you while hoping you come back on your own.
Because maybe…just maybe…you’ll realize I was worth holding onto, too.
Sincerely,
The one still waiting to forget you but praying you remember me first.
~Kae Jaye~
Journal Entry #9 08-06-2023
Dear (),
Day 1 two years ago, I laid eyes on a dangerous specimen of a person that was appealing to not only my eyes, but something deeper. I ignored it. Left it to dwindle. Who knew that years later, the notion would be reciprocated. Still, ignoring, believing that there could never be a chance in hell that you would entertain little ole’ me. But in your words, the hell would I think that for lol.
I never noticed you noticing me, I don’t know when it began for you, but I can damn sure go back to when it began for me. I can remember the day clearly. I can tell you what you wore from top to bottom. I can describe the aroma of your presence that day. Thats when I knew… knew there was absolutely something there. Still, I said nothing, continued about my way.
Then, you spoke up. Shocking to me that you did, however I’m grateful for your confidence, your words, and your tenacity. I applaud you for your attentiveness. Again, I had no idea you were watching, noticing my words, my posts, my song choices. Thankful that you realized what was being said even though I was silent.
You’re a different choice for me. You possess something the others lacked. You bring a comfortability to the room that I can’t help but to embrace. The connection seems effortless, genuine, raw, rare, instantaneous. The way I can feel your presence when we are apart is mind bottling. I can feel your hurt, I can sense your disappointment, I can feel your low points, I can feel your excitement, I can feel YOU! I’m sure this is what the old folks meant by soul-ties.
The mere fact that you were able to calm me, the way you were able to sense my uneasiness surrounding a certain day and even in the midst of your own calamity, you created space to comfort me. UNMATCHED!!
I’m not sure if you feel the same, not sure if you are even trying to lol. All I do know is, I’m leaving space. If it grows, I’m definitely with it. If it lingers here for a while… I’m with it. You’ve already presented more than I thought would be…. because again, why would it be little ole me.
-KJ-
Journal Entry #8 08-04-2023
Dear (),
You were so irresponsible with me! I never would have imagined that what I saw for us would ever come to this. So much has happened this past year, all things that you should have comforted me thorough, but silent. Your silence granted me clarity and i will never forget that you opted to be silent during the loudest moments of my life! You played with my heart and my emotions instead of handling me with care. When it came down to you, I was so fragile. I don’t think you ever noticed nor cared just how vulnerable and delicate I was with you.
Why break me down when I was already shattered? I’ll never forgive you for taking something that could have been so pure and making it something I despise. You knew what was on the line, because you felt it! And the minute you felt it, you ran! Lose my number, please don’t reach out to me anymore. Every time you do, you cause new hurt. You were someone i adored, someone i loved whole heartedly when I thought I would never go that route again. You were someone I would have moved mountains for if God granted me the power to, but you mishandled me.
Even though you hurt me, I’m grateful. Grateful, because had you not mishandled me, I would have always held space for you. I would have always remained closed off to others just because I was creating a space for you that would never been occupied. Since there’s space, I’ve allowed room for something more. Something you weren’t willing to give. No longer will I tolerate your absence!
-KJ-
Journal Entry #7 11-17-2021
Dear (),
Such a surprise to hear from you in the manner of which I did. I appreciate you thinking of me and creating space for me in your life. After so many years being passed, who knew a simple look from you would turn my world upside down. I’m forever grateful for your years of patience, respect, and friendship. Regardless of who was in my life, you’ve remained true to me, and it has never gone unnoticed.
Who knew a decade plus four years later, we’d be here? Who knew the connection we shared all those years ago would mature into something purely divine without any hesitation. I still remember when we met, the instant feeling of comradeship was evident. Although, I was extremely naïve to your intentions at that time, you never crossed any boundaries that were in place, and I’ll forever appreciate you for that.
I’ve always wondered if you remembered our encounter and your words to me. Even when in that relationship I wondered if I ever crossed your mind at times, and now it’s evident that I did. I’m not sure what energies were exuded during that initial meeting that gravitated you my way but I’m tremendously grateful that you did.
Normally, time diminishes certain feelings and emotions after so long. Especially when there were no nurturing activities to breathe life into a relationship or friendship. In our case, time has heightened every emotion, every sentiment, every lingering touch, every yearning moment that has led us to this day. All the miles in the world and the 15 that mattered most birthed a chemistry undeniably present between you and me. Those miles fed a craving inside the both of us that the time lapse between us mattered no more.
I’m just as eager to see where those 15 miles will lead us next. This roadway to our destiny seems to be paved smoothly, I’m up for the ride as long as your down to drive.
-KJ-
Journal Entry #6 09-12-2018
Dear (),
I wish this didn’t consume you as much as it does. I wish you could really see just how much I care for you and love you. I wish you could understand just how much I respect and treasure you. I wish things wouldn’t burden you as much as they do. I wish there was a way you could really see exactly how much I adore you. I wish there was a way to show you just how many moves I make just for you.
You make me feel things I haven’t witnessed before. I’ve never known the feeling of being longed after until I was blessed with you. I’ve never felt adored until I found you. I’ve never felt like somebody genuinely wanted me for me until you came along. I’ve never felt such a since of loyalty in my life. I’ve never felt like someone belonged (not in a controlling way) to only me. Never had the opportunity to say, oh that’s All mine, she’s not going anywhere!!!
I’ve never witnessed someone that goes so hard for me the way you do. I’ve never experienced such a genuine love and I appreciate it to the fullest. Every night I ask God why me? What did I do to deserve such a profound love? Do I even deserve you? Can I measure up to what it is you seek? How could you love someone so damaged as me?
That Random Thank you……Was for you loving me like you do. For being someone who knows what they want and goes after it without any hesitation. For showing me what it’s like to actually be wanted. For being a person that doesn’t bail at the drop of a dime. For always being you!!!
Again, THANK YOU!
KJ
Journal Entry #5 02-10-18
Dear (),
If I could deliver one thousand poems to you a day I would. But time wouldn’t permit me to deliver such an intense act of romance. If I could write you several letters a day, you’ d know exactly just how special you are to me. But then you’d think I was a crazy, stalker, infatuated person who falls to quickly.
But the truth of the matter is, I adore you. I treasure the person you are, inside and out. You’re a rare gem that’s been polished and left on a shelf too long. It’s time someone actually honored your presence. Time someone valued your strength, yearned your intellect, and worshipped your beauty.
I’m honored to be someone you’ve chosen to do those things. I’m forever grateful you saw me as a worthy suitor to be blessed to witness all you have to offer. I’m excited and hesitant, mostly afraid, to embark on this journey, BUT you’ve already shown me just how confident you are in me! And for that, I’ll graciously accept the chance your giving me.
KJ
Journal Entry #4 04-08-17
Dear (),
I wish you knew just how badly your words hurt. The amount of love I have for you, doesn’t erase the hurt and pain you bring to my heart when you use your words as knives. I understand that everyone has their own opinions of homosexuality, and that you’re entitled to feel as you wish.
However, there’s a certain level of respect that should be presented regardless of how you feel. I find it so damn frustrating how you can sit there and speak such harshness about someone you’re supposed to love unconditionally. You have no idea the power of your words. You have no idea how many times I’ve contemplated suicide because of the opinions and degradation of the likes of you!
It’s crazy to me how you had absolutely no problem accepting food from me when you didn’t have it. You had no problem accepting funds from me when you didn’t have it. You had no problem accepting household items from me, when you didn’t have it. HOWEVER YOU HATE ME SO MUCH. Why continue to accept things from such a low life person as my self? Why continue to reach your hand out to accept anything from such a vile ass person like me?
Yet, you wonder why I stay away from you? You wonder why I don’t ask you for things? ( Even though I already know that you will tell me no anyway the cut goes) You wonder what is it that I despise of you that makes me walk on by when I see you?
Tell me this. Why should I speak to someone who degrades every person that participates in the love that you don’t understand? Why should I speak to someone who holds private (not so private) conversations about not just me, but others as well? Why should I want to remain around such a person that constantly speaks negativity when I’m already facing the lowest of odds?
This is why I stay away. If you can sit there and hold a 3 hour conversation calling people whom I don’t even care about to discuss me. I would hate to see what you say about me when I’m really not around. If you can sit there and use every degrading word there is to offend a member of the LGBTQ community, why would I honestly think you have some kind of love for me?
There’s never been a moment in my life when I’ve hated you so much than I do right now! I’m elated that now I’m to a point where your words don’t have the same weight as they did before. I’m so done with your kind. You could have been the reason I died years ago. You could have been the reason why I would sit here and end my life now. But I’m so much stronger than that. And I’m hella-grateful for the strength I have now and the person I have become that no longer gives a damn about you nor your ignorance.
You disgust me!
-KaeJaye-
Journal Entry #3 03-02-2017
Dear (),
I love everything you are to me. I love you as my solitude. Always being the one to create such a solid atmosphere of support and solidarity.
I love you as my rock; The most substantial part of my life in an array of ways unknown to the world. The one who has often been the boulder I’ve hidden behind but you’ve been my protector from many storms.
I love you as my friend. You have been able to get me to open up in ways I would have never imagined. You have been there through thick and thin. There have been times over and over again where I didn’t deserve your friendship. But being the truest of true, you continued to wipe my tears, pushed me to face my fears, and held my hand through ALL life’s disappointments.
I love you as my chosen one. You are the one I’ve chosen time and time again. You’re the one I’ll probably always choose because you’ve constantly chosen me. Mainly it’s because of who you are to me.
I love you as my helpmeet. Together we’ve conquered wars un-foretold, and battled the worst times unforeseen. Together we’ve built a mountain of love and joy that can’t be unseen. We’ve created such chemistry that won’t wither. You’ve held me up and I you, that’s exactly what true helpmates do.
I love you for you! Everything about you resonates so deeply within me its hard to describe. There’s never a day that passes by I don’t thank the creator for perfectly blending you with your flaws and perfections that make you imperfectly perfect for me.
I love you unconditionally for the love you’ve shown to me. Even in the worst of times, your love still holds me.
I love you as the person I’ll forever cherish and share an abundant life. I’ll love you forever and never think twice. ❤
Thank you for all you are to me!
ΚJ
Journal entry #2. 12-14-16
How do we learn to love, live, let go, and live again? How can we put together an adequate sequence of love facets that make sense?
How do we know when love has taken every ounce of hope you have left? How do we know when there’s yet more to give?
I’ve come to the conclusion that as long as we have these questions, there’s hope. As long as we wonder about love, there’s room for more. As long as there’s that someone who makes you wonder and gives you the desire to love more, there’s an adequate love sequence to be connected correctly.
ΚJ
Journal entry #1. 12-06-16
Sometimes life can be such a drag. I mean emotionally, life has got me wrapped around her finger. Slowly unraveling me only to twist me tighter.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m suffocating here in the sweaty coils of life’s thick finger. What did I do you, pretty lady?
Is it that I sometimes forget just how kind you’ve been to me? Or is it that I may frequently forget how you’ve used those obese fingers of yours to pluck some folks and things away? Is it because I along with society take you for granted all too many times?
Is it because all of us here have become selfishly ungrateful? To simply be able to have you is rare. There are so many who are merely hashtags in the winds of yesterday and yet we forget to humble ourselves with gratitude.
This morning I’m pausing my usual selfish rant. To say Thank you. Thank you for being you. I’m honored to still call you friend.
ΚJ
Kae Jaye The Writer 